So, I received this email from my cousin…

You know you’re Australian if….

Oh dear, it’s one of THOSE emails.

You know the meaning of ‘girt’

I learnt it once, but I couldn’t tell you now.

You believe that stubbies can either be worn or drunk

…Worn? You mean like shorts? O.o

You think it is normal to have a Prime Minister called Kevin

Yeah, don’t get this one. Kevin isn’t exactly a weird name.

You waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers stuffed in your wallet or purse

We have a new-fangled thing called an Everday Rewards card at Woolworths now.

When you hear that an American ‘roots for his team’ you wonder how often and with whom

Yeah, this one is funny. For those that don’t know, ‘to root’ someone is to have sex with them.

You understand that the phrase ‘a group of women wearing black thongs’ refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds

Yep.

You pronounce Melbourne as ‘Mel-bin’

More like… Mel-b’n.

You pronounce Penrith as ‘Pen-riff’

I hate people that don’t know how to pronounce ‘th’.

You believe the ‘L’ in the word ‘ Australia ‘ is optional but either way, the ‘ia’ is pronounced ‘ya’.

True.

You can translate: ‘Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas’

Highlight to view answer: Darren and Sharon played ACDC on the way to McDonalds.

You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep

They have nothing else going for them!

You call your best friend ‘a total bastard’ but someone you really, truly despise is just ‘a bit of a bastard’

I don’t call anybody a bastard, I’m more likely to call someone an arsehole and only under my breath.

You think ‘Woolloomooloo’ is a perfectly reasonable name for a place

It rolls off the tongue! “wool-a-ma-loo”!

You believe is makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that’s twice as big as its $2 coin

Neither are as heavy as a £1 coin so it’s all good. 50c coins, however…

You understand that ‘Wagga Wagga’ can be abbreviated to ‘Wagga’but ‘Woy Woy’ can’t be called ‘Woy’

I guess so…

You believe that cooked-down axlegrease makes a good breakfast spread

…Is this supposed to refer to Vegemite?

You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis

I only view those who live in Australia as Australian. Like Russell Crowe. And when they “stuff up”, I don’t care. I never idolised them in the first place.

You know, whatever the tourist books say, that no one says ‘cobber’

WTF does ‘cobber’ even mean?!

You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels’ song ‘Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again’

I only learnt this one recently. Highlight for answer: “No way, get fucked, fuck off!”

You believe, as an article of faith, that the confectionary known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year

It has! Seriously!

You still don’t get why the ‘Labor’ in ‘Australian Labor Party’ is not spelt with a ‘u’

Indeed.

You wear Ugg boots outside the house

Actually, I found that people in England are far more prone to do this than here. It’s bizarre and dumb, it’ s not like uggies are very good shoes. I always viewed them as slippers.

You believe that the more you shorten someone’s name the more you like them

I’ll have to agree with this one. Sadly I only know a couple of people whose names I shorten – one is my sister and the other doesn’t like it

Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language

Um, no. I know “hello” in Mandarin.

You understand that ‘excuse me’ can sound rude, while ’scuse me’ is alway polite

Yeah.

You know what it’s like to swallow a fly, on occasions via your nose

You understand that ‘you’ has a plural and that it’s ‘youse’

GTFO, I hate “youse”.

You know it’s not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle

*nods*

You biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules of beach cricket

Beach yawn, more like.

You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call ‘Anzac cookies’

Yeah. They’re biscuits!

You still think of Kylie as ‘that girl off Neighbours’

I’m a bit young for this one. I think of her as that annoying woman that is clearly English now, and Australia should stop trying to claim her because she hasn’t even lived here in forever.

When returning home from overseas, you expect to be brutally strip-searched by Customs – just in case you’re trying to sneak in fruit

I’ve never had a problem with Customs in Australia. America on the other hand…

You believe the phrase ’smart casual’ refers to a pair of black tracky-daks, suitably laundered

I hate tracky-daks.

You understand that all train timetables are works of fiction

Yep. Not dissimilar to British Rail.

When working at a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer

Unfortunately, yes.

You get choked up with emotion by the first verse of the national anthem and then have trouble remembering the second

Who the heck gets choked up from the Australian national anthem?! It’s true that a lot of people don’t remember the second verse, but that’s because the anthem gets boring after the first verse. Nobody cares about it.

You find yourself ignorant of nearly all the facts deemed essential in the government’s new test for migrants.

Most likely.

You will immediately forward this list to other Australians, here and overseas, realising that only they will understand!!

No, I will only post it on my blog, ’cause I don’t like clogging up peoples’ inboxes.